Supporting a Friend or Loved One

Who has been Sexually Assaulted

(We know that not all victims/survivors are female, but a large percentage of them are.  We wish there were a singular pronoun that was not gender specific, but since there is not, we have used the pronoun “she” in this article)

Someone who has been sexually assaulted can heal from their trauma, but they need a great deal of support from the people around them.  Ideally, their family and friends will be knowledgeable and grounded and have a great deal of empathy.  Unfortunately, that is not always the case.

If someone you love has been sexually assaulted, you are probably going through a very painful experience, yourself.  The body’s natural response to trauma is to go numb, to deny what has happened.  This is something that has been passed down to us through the ages, it’s how we have evolved, and it’s worked to keep the species alive.  You may have read stories of someone being hurt in the wilderness and then walking for miles on a broken foot or similar injury.  They do it because they have to, and the body’s natural response is to go numb for a time so that they can do it.

Psychological or emotional pain is the same.  The body goes numb at first so that the victim/survivor of the sexually assault can get the help that they need, whether that’s to go to the hospital, to go to the police department, to go to a friend or loved one, or to do all of it.

If you are the friend or loved one they come to, you are going to be in shock yourself, and you are going to be numb.  It hurts terribly to see someone you love hurt.  So just when she is coming out of her shock and numbness, you might be going into yours.

A little knowledge can help you to help your friend a great deal.  Here are some things that you can do:

1. Validate her experience.  The most important step in her recovery is to be believed by the person she tells.  Trust that what she is telling you is the truth and don’t ask any questions that she can interpret as being judgmental, such as “Are you sure?”  or “Maybe he didn’t realize you said no.”  or “Didn’t you know that was a dangerous place to be?”  Instead say, “I am so sorry this happened to you.  No one should have to go through this.  I’m here for you.”  It doesn’t matter where she was, who she was with, what she was wearing, the way she did nor did not resist, or when she told.  Anyone can be a victim of abuse, and no one deserves to be assaulted.  No means no.  Our culture is full of myths about victims/survivors “asking for it” or being responsible for the assault because of their actions.  But they are just that….myths, and you can tell her that.

1.  Respect her decisions.  She might make different choices than you would under the same circumstances, but these are her choices to make.  If she decides to report, even though it scares you to even think about what that ordeal is going to be like, don’t try to discourage her.  If she chooses not to report, don’t tell her how many people she’ll be helping who will not be raped in the future or how this can put closure on it for her.  This is her decision to make, and all she needs from you is validation.  During the assault, her power was taken away from her.  Give it back to her by giving her choices and respecting them.  Ask her how you can help her.

1. Stay with her during her pain.  Not just physically be there, but emotionally be there, as well.  If you are willing to be there to listen, if you are strong enough to be there to listen, it can make all the difference.  She is going through something very lonely right now.  It feels like she is the only one this has ever happened to.  You are going through your own hurt, and don’t dismiss that, but find someone just like yourself to support you so that you can support her.  It’s very tempting to stay in the play of denial and numbness, but if you do, you’ll be isolating her.  She will see you pushing the pain down, and, without your realizing it, you’ll start changing the subject when she brings it up or maybe even avoiding her.  She’ll know that you are not strong enough to stay with her during her pain.  If that is really the case, offer to support her in finding another place for her to be supported, such as professional counseling.

1. Remember that healing takes awhile.  In fact, it takes as long as it takes.  Healing from trauma is similar to grieving.  For some people it’s a short period, for others much longer.  Typical stages are:  1) Shock, numbness and denial; 2) Bargaining; 3) Anger; 4) Sadness; 5) Acceptance. However, they aren’t always in that order.  And just because the person goes to stage three from stage two doesn’t mean that they won’t go back to stage two for a period of time.  In fact, expect a lot of bouncing around from stage to stage. 

1. Take care of yourself.  In order to help the person you love, you have to first take care of yourself.  Remember when you are in a plane and before take-off the flight attendant gives you instructions?  You are told that if the cabin should lose pressure, an oxygen mask will fall down in front of you.  You are instructed to put it on yourself first and then on those traveling with you.  If you don’t put it on yourself first, you won’t be there to help others.  You might need to talk to a friend yourself.  You might need to find a counselor for yourself.