RDVCC
If Your Child Is Bullying
If you are a parent who is concerned that your child is bullying other children, it’s important to know what the signs are. A child who is bullying other children may show one or more of these behaviors in places where you can observe (home, church, play yard):
· Intimidates his or her brothers and sisters.
· Intimidates other children in the neighborhood.
· Needs to dominate all situations.
· Uses power and threats to get his/her own way.
· Is frequently quick to anger.
· Is impulsive
· Has low frustration levels.
· Has difficulty with delayed gratification.
· Cheats in games.
· Uses aggressive behavior toward adults.
· Is frequently defiant with adults.
· Antisocial or even criminal behavior at an early age (stealing, vandalism)
It can be very disheartening to suspect that your child is a bully. That a child that we love so much can be victimizing others is hard to accept. When you begin to suspect it, start observing your child. Pay attention when watching him/her play with other children. Don’t jump to conclusions, and don’t misjudge leadership for bullying. The oldest child in a family will often “boss” the younger children, but it’s not necessarily bullying (in such cases it’s often more effective to teach the younger children that they can make their own decisions and how to assert themselves).
The difference between a leader and a bully is that a bully makes the other person feel bad. They threaten, they coerce, they intimidate, they put the other person down.
What causes bullying? There has not been a lot of research as of yet, and there are varying opinions, but one of the larger studies out of the UK (Moffit) found that being exposed to domestic violence in the child’s home is one of the stronger risk factors for becoming a bully. Another strong factor is a history of being a victim of child abuse. It seems to be clear that violence in the home can create violent behavior in the child.
So what is a parent to do? Given the research results, the first thing a parent can do is to assess the amount of violence in the home. Is either parent the victim of domestic violence? Is the child being parented in a violent way? If that is the case, you might need help in changing the situation. If the child’s other parent is the one who exhibits violent behavior, measures can be taken that range from safety planning to fleeing, and an advocate at the crisis center can help. We can meet with you privately, we can talk to you on the phone, we have support groups, we can accompany you to court for a restraining order. If you suspect that it may be you who is using violent behavior, we can help with that, too. We can refer you to counseling, to batterer’s intervention programs and to parenting programs. Wanting to change in order to help your child is the best motivator there is.
Once you have assessed for violence in your home, if you think your child is bullying, start partnering with other people who care about your child. There are anti-bullying laws in New Hampshire, and schools are equipped to deal with these matters. You may already have been contacted by the school about your child, and that might be why you are reading this article. If that is so, know that your school wants to remedy the situation. They want to keep children safe in their school, and they also want every child to be successful, including your child. Partner with them. Use their resources. Many guidance counselors run groups for children who are having a hard time socializing appropriately.
If you don’t think your school is equipped to deal with the problem, first get your child the help he or she needs. Call the crisis center (225-5444 or 225-7376) and ask for a referral for an assessment and counseling. Then start a program in your child’s school to prevent other children from becoming bullies or from becoming victims of bullies.
It’s important not to blame yourself. Instead, hold your child accountable for his or her actions. There may be factors that have contributed to the behavior, but, ultimately, it is up to the child to accept responsibility and to change.
Make sure that there are clear rules in your family and that everyone knows what the consequences are for not keeping the rules. Make sure that you very consistently apply the consequences. Don’t use physical punishment …. you want to avoid having your child mistakenly think that it’s acceptable to bully someone who is smaller or who has less power than you do.
For at least a time, spend more time with your child and monitor his activities closely. Try not to be too obvious about this, but make sure you know who his/her friends are. If you aren’t sure which ones are positive influences, a talk with the teacher might help.
Do what you can to build on your child’s strengths and talents and skills. If it’s art, look for art classes. If it’s photography, help him or her save for a camera and encourage the development of a portfolio. If it’s sports, encourage him or her to join a team. There are scholarships for almost every activity, so look for them. Your local library can be a resource for that.
Reward the child with your approval for positive, empathic actions and for problem-solving in non-violent ways. Sometimes just a smile is the greatest acknowledgement in the world.
Remember that even though bullying has existed for a very long time, communities don’t have to accept that it has to be that way. There is no excuse for us as adults if we allow children to be targets and if we don’t try to understand the causes and consequences of bullying. It takes a whole community to change a societal norm, and you can be the person who starts pointing the community in that direction.
If you are a parent who is concerned that your child is bullying other children, it’s important to know what the signs are. A child who is bullying other children may show one or more of these behaviors in places where you can observe (home, church, play yard):
· Intimidates his or her brothers and sisters.
· Intimidates other children in the neighborhood.
· Needs to dominate all situations.
· Uses power and threats to get his/her own way.
· Is frequently quick to anger.
· Is impulsive
· Has low frustration levels.
· Has difficulty with delayed gratification.
· Cheats in games.
· Uses aggressive behavior toward adults.
· Is frequently defiant with adults.
· Antisocial or even criminal behavior at an early age (stealing, vandalism)
It can be very disheartening to suspect that your child is a bully. That a child that we love so much can be victimizing others is hard to accept. When you begin to suspect it, start observing your child. Pay attention when watching him/her play with other children. Don’t jump to conclusions, and don’t misjudge leadership for bullying. The oldest child in a family will often “boss” the younger children, but it’s not necessarily bullying (in such cases it’s often more effective to teach the younger children that they can make their own decisions and how to assert themselves).
The difference between a leader and a bully is that a bully makes the other person feel bad. They threaten, they coerce, they intimidate, they put the other person down.
What causes bullying? There has not been a lot of research as of yet, and there are varying opinions, but one of the larger studies out of the UK (Moffit) found that being exposed to domestic violence in the child’s home is one of the stronger risk factors for becoming a bully. Another strong factor is a history of being a victim of child abuse. It seems to be clear that violence in the home can create violent behavior in the child.
So what is a parent to do? Given the research results, the first thing a parent can do is to assess the amount of violence in the home. Is either parent the victim of domestic violence? Is the child being parented in a violent way? If that is the case, you might need help in changing the situation. If the child’s other parent is the one who exhibits violent behavior, measures can be taken that range from safety planning to fleeing, and an advocate at the crisis center can help. We can meet with you privately, we can talk to you on the phone, we have support groups, we can accompany you to court for a restraining order. If you suspect that it may be you who is using violent behavior, we can help with that, too. We can refer you to counseling, to batterer’s intervention programs and to parenting programs. Wanting to change in order to help your child is the best motivator there is.
Once you have assessed for violence in your home, if you think your child is bullying, start partnering with other people who care about your child. There are anti-bullying laws in New Hampshire, and schools are equipped to deal with these matters. You may already have been contacted by the school about your child, and that might be why you are reading this article. If that is so, know that your school wants to remedy the situation. They want to keep children safe in their school, and they also want every child to be successful, including your child. Partner with them. Use their resources. Many guidance counselors run groups for children who are having a hard time socializing appropriately.
If you don’t think your school is equipped to deal with the problem, first get your child the help he or she needs. Call the crisis center (225-5444 or 225-7376) and ask for a referral for an assessment and counseling. Then start a program in your child’s school to prevent other children from becoming bullies or from becoming victims of bullies.
It’s important not to blame yourself. Instead, hold your child accountable for his or her actions. There may be factors that have contributed to the behavior, but, ultimately, it is up to the child to accept responsibility and to change.
Make sure that there are clear rules in your family and that everyone knows what the consequences are for not keeping the rules. Make sure that you very consistently apply the consequences. Don’t use physical punishment …. you want to avoid having your child mistakenly think that it’s acceptable to bully someone who is smaller or who has less power than you do.
For at least a time, spend more time with your child and monitor his activities closely. Try not to be too obvious about this, but make sure you know who his/her friends are. If you aren’t sure which ones are positive influences, a talk with the teacher might help.
Do what you can to build on your child’s strengths and talents and skills. If it’s art, look for art classes. If it’s photography, help him or her save for a camera and encourage the development of a portfolio. If it’s sports, encourage him or her to join a team. There are scholarships for almost every activity, so look for them. Your local library can be a resource for that.
Reward the child with your approval for positive, empathic actions and for problem-solving in non-violent ways. Sometimes just a smile is the greatest acknowledgement in the world.
Remember that even though bullying has existed for a very long time, communities don’t have to accept that it has to be that way. There is no excuse for us as adults if we allow children to be targets and if we don’t try to understand the causes and consequences of bullying. It takes a whole community to change a societal norm, and you can be the person who starts pointing the community in that direction.
