RDVCC
If Your Child Is Being Bullied
Bullying is an increasingly common form of violence among children and adolescents. New Hampshire enacted stringent laws against bullying in 2010 in the hopes that schools, parents and communities could work together to end this problem. Bullying has significant adverse effects on children: it reduces a child’s ability to learn; it creates an environment of fear in the whole school; and a child who bullies is more likely to engage in other negative behavior.
Some people think that bullying is just a part of growing up, so sometimes adults in a child’s world may not take it seriously. The headlines have been far too full of children who have taken extreme measures, including suicide, after being the victims of bullying to believe that we can’t do anything about it.
Studies show that 16% of US school children say they had been bullied that school term. Another study found that bullying occurs more frequently in 6th-8th grades, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a city, a rural area or somewhere in between. Boys report being bullied physically more (hit, slapped, punched) while girls report more verbal and psychological abuse (through sexual comments and rumors).
Three Forms of Bullying
PHYSICAL. This can take the form of hitting, shoving, kicking, spitting, pushing, hair pulling, tripping,.
VERBAL. This can be teasing, taunting, calling names, making threats, accusations.
PSYCHOLOGICAL. This often includes manipulating social situations so the child is excluded, spreading rumors, extortion (demanding lunch money in exchange for being able to pass by unharmed).
Believe Your Child
It is extremely important to believe your child if he or she tells you that they are being treated unfairly by another child. Bullying is NOT a required rite of passage. It can have serious, long-term negative effects on your child. He or she can feel extremely isolated and fearful if they are not believed, and their self esteem can suffer greatly.
What to Look For
Sometimes children are embarrassed to tell us that they are being the victims of bullying. They don’t want us to think they can’t handle the situation. They don’t want us to think less of them. What to look for:
· Suddenly doesn’t want to go to school anymore and makes up excuses to stay home.
· Is truant or skips school.
· Comes home with torn clothing or bruises or damaged or missing personal belongings.
· Chooses a strange or indirect route to school and back.
· Loses interest in school work and school activities.
· Grades go down.
· Seems to be sad a lot of the time or is irritable or has mood swings.
· Asks you for money (in order to meet the demands of the bully)
· Steals from you (in order to meet the demands of the bully)
· Has bad dreams
· Bedwetting
· Seems to be isolated with few friends
What Parents Can Do
First, look for the symptoms. Recognize that your child might be reluctant to tell you out of embarrassment and not wanting to disappoint you. They may also fear that you’ll “tell” on the bully, which could cause the bullying to increase. Second, ask carefully. Don’t come right out and ask them. Rather, choose a time that is not stressful or rushed (such as riding in the car…..excellent, by the way, because everyone is looking straight ahead…..or over Sunday breakfast). Then casually ask about the classroom, about the playground, about walking home. Ask who they hang out. Ask if there are any children at school who are bullies (without asking whether they, themselves, have been bullied).
A really good way to talk to children about any difficult subject is to play the “What If” Game. Children love to play this, and you can find out a lot of information without really asking. Don’t lead off with the question that interests you most; instead, lead up to it:
“What if you found $5 on the floor of the van, what would you do?”
“What if you found $5 on the playground, what would you do?”
“What if you smelled smoke in the house in the middle of the night, what would you do?”
“What if someone asked to copy your spelling quiz, what would you do?”
“What if you saw a friend stealing, what would you do?”
“What if someone was bullying you, what would you do?”
“What if you won a hundred dollars, what would you do?”
If you do find out that your child is being bullied, put on your poker face. Stay calm and let your child tell you as much as he or she wants to. Listen, listen, listen. Don’t talk. When you do say something, make sure your child knows it’s not his or her fault and that this happens to other children all too often.
Don’t tell your child to just ignore it. If that had worked, there would be nothing to talk about. Don’t tell your child to fight back. Usually that just escalates the problem, and when it is called to the attention of those in authority, your child can be thought to be a bully, too.
AVOIDING. What you can do is to teach your child how to avoid the situations that make him or her more vulnerable to bullying. For instance, if it happens on the way to school, find a different route or arrange for an older child to walk with him or her.
REPORTING. You can also encourage your child to tell you or a teacher or some other person in authority when it is happening. Explain to her or him that it isn’t tattling, it’s telling. Tattling is when you say something to get someone in trouble. Telling when you say something so someone will not be in trouble, but will be safe, including yourself.
BEING YOUR CHILD’S ADVOCATE. Keep detailed records of when your child is bullied, by whom and how. Work with your child’s school to keep your child safe. If your teacher is not responsive, go to the principal. If the principal is not responsive, go to the superintendent. If the superintendent is not responsive, go to the NH Board of Education. Because of the new bullying laws, it is highly unlikely that anyone in the school will not be responsive, but it is important to know what alternatives you have. DO not contact the bully or the bully’s parents yourself. That might be part of the plan you develop with the school, but it is not you who should make contact.
WORK WITH YOUR CHILD’S SCHOOL. Help to bring in prevention programs. The Rape and Domestic Violence Crisis Center’s Education Coordinator is more than willing to come into classrooms and talk about bullying to students. The Department of Education has curriculum designed to help. Offer to coordinate a volunteer program so that parents can help monitor recess and lunchtime and bus rides.
INCLUDE YOUR CHILD. Always discuss with your child your ideas for advocating for him or her. If you go behind his or her back, you might ruin any trust that you and your child have. If your child has strong objections, talk about the reasons you want to do it and talk about ways to negate any fears the child might have about the consequences of your actions.
Just because bullying has been going on for a very long time doesn’t mean that we let it continue. Schools and parents together can put an end to bullying and create a safe learning environment for our children.
Bullying is an increasingly common form of violence among children and adolescents. New Hampshire enacted stringent laws against bullying in 2010 in the hopes that schools, parents and communities could work together to end this problem. Bullying has significant adverse effects on children: it reduces a child’s ability to learn; it creates an environment of fear in the whole school; and a child who bullies is more likely to engage in other negative behavior.
Some people think that bullying is just a part of growing up, so sometimes adults in a child’s world may not take it seriously. The headlines have been far too full of children who have taken extreme measures, including suicide, after being the victims of bullying to believe that we can’t do anything about it.
Studies show that 16% of US school children say they had been bullied that school term. Another study found that bullying occurs more frequently in 6th-8th grades, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a city, a rural area or somewhere in between. Boys report being bullied physically more (hit, slapped, punched) while girls report more verbal and psychological abuse (through sexual comments and rumors).
Three Forms of Bullying
PHYSICAL. This can take the form of hitting, shoving, kicking, spitting, pushing, hair pulling, tripping,.
VERBAL. This can be teasing, taunting, calling names, making threats, accusations.
PSYCHOLOGICAL. This often includes manipulating social situations so the child is excluded, spreading rumors, extortion (demanding lunch money in exchange for being able to pass by unharmed).
Believe Your Child
It is extremely important to believe your child if he or she tells you that they are being treated unfairly by another child. Bullying is NOT a required rite of passage. It can have serious, long-term negative effects on your child. He or she can feel extremely isolated and fearful if they are not believed, and their self esteem can suffer greatly.
What to Look For
Sometimes children are embarrassed to tell us that they are being the victims of bullying. They don’t want us to think they can’t handle the situation. They don’t want us to think less of them. What to look for:
· Suddenly doesn’t want to go to school anymore and makes up excuses to stay home.
· Is truant or skips school.
· Comes home with torn clothing or bruises or damaged or missing personal belongings.
· Chooses a strange or indirect route to school and back.
· Loses interest in school work and school activities.
· Grades go down.
· Seems to be sad a lot of the time or is irritable or has mood swings.
· Asks you for money (in order to meet the demands of the bully)
· Steals from you (in order to meet the demands of the bully)
· Has bad dreams
· Bedwetting
· Seems to be isolated with few friends
What Parents Can Do
First, look for the symptoms. Recognize that your child might be reluctant to tell you out of embarrassment and not wanting to disappoint you. They may also fear that you’ll “tell” on the bully, which could cause the bullying to increase. Second, ask carefully. Don’t come right out and ask them. Rather, choose a time that is not stressful or rushed (such as riding in the car…..excellent, by the way, because everyone is looking straight ahead…..or over Sunday breakfast). Then casually ask about the classroom, about the playground, about walking home. Ask who they hang out. Ask if there are any children at school who are bullies (without asking whether they, themselves, have been bullied).
A really good way to talk to children about any difficult subject is to play the “What If” Game. Children love to play this, and you can find out a lot of information without really asking. Don’t lead off with the question that interests you most; instead, lead up to it:
“What if you found $5 on the floor of the van, what would you do?”
“What if you found $5 on the playground, what would you do?”
“What if you smelled smoke in the house in the middle of the night, what would you do?”
“What if someone asked to copy your spelling quiz, what would you do?”
“What if you saw a friend stealing, what would you do?”
“What if someone was bullying you, what would you do?”
“What if you won a hundred dollars, what would you do?”
If you do find out that your child is being bullied, put on your poker face. Stay calm and let your child tell you as much as he or she wants to. Listen, listen, listen. Don’t talk. When you do say something, make sure your child knows it’s not his or her fault and that this happens to other children all too often.
Don’t tell your child to just ignore it. If that had worked, there would be nothing to talk about. Don’t tell your child to fight back. Usually that just escalates the problem, and when it is called to the attention of those in authority, your child can be thought to be a bully, too.
AVOIDING. What you can do is to teach your child how to avoid the situations that make him or her more vulnerable to bullying. For instance, if it happens on the way to school, find a different route or arrange for an older child to walk with him or her.
REPORTING. You can also encourage your child to tell you or a teacher or some other person in authority when it is happening. Explain to her or him that it isn’t tattling, it’s telling. Tattling is when you say something to get someone in trouble. Telling when you say something so someone will not be in trouble, but will be safe, including yourself.
BEING YOUR CHILD’S ADVOCATE. Keep detailed records of when your child is bullied, by whom and how. Work with your child’s school to keep your child safe. If your teacher is not responsive, go to the principal. If the principal is not responsive, go to the superintendent. If the superintendent is not responsive, go to the NH Board of Education. Because of the new bullying laws, it is highly unlikely that anyone in the school will not be responsive, but it is important to know what alternatives you have. DO not contact the bully or the bully’s parents yourself. That might be part of the plan you develop with the school, but it is not you who should make contact.
WORK WITH YOUR CHILD’S SCHOOL. Help to bring in prevention programs. The Rape and Domestic Violence Crisis Center’s Education Coordinator is more than willing to come into classrooms and talk about bullying to students. The Department of Education has curriculum designed to help. Offer to coordinate a volunteer program so that parents can help monitor recess and lunchtime and bus rides.
INCLUDE YOUR CHILD. Always discuss with your child your ideas for advocating for him or her. If you go behind his or her back, you might ruin any trust that you and your child have. If your child has strong objections, talk about the reasons you want to do it and talk about ways to negate any fears the child might have about the consequences of your actions.
Just because bullying has been going on for a very long time doesn’t mean that we let it continue. Schools and parents together can put an end to bullying and create a safe learning environment for our children.
